"and to see you in your pajamas,"
God, did I just say that? I
looked at her out from under the corner of my eyes not knowing if I should have
said that. Not a good thing to say
to a Marine who could flatten me. Especially
to a Marine who has probably felt like taking a few swings at me recently.
I hope she takes it as I meant it, just a try at getting our teasing
banter back between us. I want my
best friend back.... okay, I know I want more than just having our friendship
back, but I have to start somewhere. Oh
thank God, she just smiled at me, not a big one, but a smile none-the-less- I
guess I am not going to end up with anything sprained or broken, well, maybe my
heart. I stand and walk over to her
window- I need space, but I don't want to leave- there is comfort here, although
a somewhat uncertain one at the same time.
I
want nothing more than to hold her, to be in her arms for so many reasons.... I
love her, I need her, I am confused - I have decisions to make, ones that put my
career and my sense of honor in different corners, God, I love her.... I don't
like how this feels- caught between the ache of wanting her to hold me so badly
and the ache, the fear that my wanting, no, needing another person this much is
causing me. Is this how she felt
that night Mic left her and she came to me?
Jesus- I caused her this much pain.... I will not cry, I will not cry....
I can't show weakness.... you fool, it wouldn't be the first time she saw your
tears and she never held it against you.... NO, I will not cry....
"Harm?"
I
hear the question in her voice and feel her hand on the back of my shoulder.
"I'm
fine" I manage to spit out, not believing it in the least.
I know she doesn't either.
I close my eyes and let my head fall forward, letting myself get lost in
the comfort of her hand, now rubbing back and forth across my shoulders.
Her simple touch was pushing away all my fears.
It would be so easy just to turn slightly and wrap my arms around her.
Would my touch ease her aches? Was
it really this simple? Was she right
when she said I made simple things to complicated?
Yes, she was right, and my arms physically ache to hold her....
"Come
here Sailor," she says as she gently turns me toward her, wrapping her arms
around me.
As I pull her even closer I want to ask her if she can read my mind, but
there is a lump in my throat I can't get past.
I bury my head in her neck, pressing my body completely against hers.
She fits perfectly. I feel
her try to pull back slightly, but I don't want to let her go.
"Not yet Sarah" I whisper
as I tighten my hold and guide her head to nestle into my shoulder.
"Harm...."
I hear her mumble my name. If
she really didn't want this, I know I that I would already be picking myself up
off the floor, counting broken bones, but if I don't explain myself, I just
might find myself in that position.
"Please, Sarah.... only with you.... I need this.
I am so sorry" I get out before that lump in my throat made a
re-appearance. Well at least I am
getting something across to her. Please
understand Sarah, I need you, I am so sorry for any pain I have caused you my
mind wills her. It seems as though
my eyes and heart have decided to take another voice as I feel the spot I have
chosen to hide my face become wet with my tears.
"Shhhh, its okay.... I got you
Harm" she whispers to me as she starts to rub my back again.
"I
am so sorry Sarah" I say the best I can.
She holds me for a long time as I struggle to bring my tears under
control and come to grips with the knowledge our bodies will separate from each
other. The irrational thought of
never letting her out of my arms flies through my mind.
Somewhere between that night on the ferry and this moment the 'feeling' I
couldn't let go of then to be with her has been forgotten and she has become
what I never want to release.
"I think I gave you another shower there Jarhead" I try to joke
as I lift my head, automatically attempting to bring the walls back up around me
even though it is the last thing I want. Too
many years of closing my deepest feelings off to those around me is such a hard
habit to break. Please, Sarah, help
me fight for this....
"Not so fast Sailor, what are you so sorry for?" she asked, and
yet again I think that she can read my mind.
If only she could read my heart. Only
slightly loosening her hold on me, she looked into my eyes and then quickly
dropped her head.
"Don't
shut down on me now...." she mumbled.
I brought a hand to her chin, lifting her face up, noticing a tear
sliding down her right cheek. God,
all I do is seem to make her hurt. I
lean down and gently kiss the tear away.
"I am sorry all I ever do is hurt you.... I don't like to see you
cry.... I want to kill anyone who hurts you.... but it seems that all I ever is
hurt you" I ramble, "Whenever I have needed you, you were always there
for me.... and that night Mic left I...." that damnable lump was back, but
that night kept going through my mind in Technicolor glory.
She needed me. She needed my
arms around her to sooth her pain just like she was easing mine now.
"Harm- you had other responsibilities then.
If you weren't eating yourself for not being there for me, you would be
beating yourself up for not being there for Renee and that wouldn't have been a
good thing for us.... if there is or will be an us...."
I look down into her tear-filled brown eyes that have locked onto mine
searching fiercely into my gaze. Simple
things complicated, Rabb, un-complicate them.... God, they should disbar me, I
am supposed to be some hotshot attorney who makes moving and eloquent arguments
on behalf of my clients and I can't even tell this woman here in my arms that
she is the one person in this whole world that completes me, the one person in
this world that I would give my own life for if need be with no questions asked
or second thoughts, that I love her beyond reason.
“I’m trying not to Sarah” I don’t want to break her gaze, if she
lets go of me I am convinced I will fall and dissolve into an even bigger
emotional mess on her floor. I can
almost imagine her phone call to our CO trying to explain how she had to have
his broken and sobbing Lt. Commander carried away to the nuthouse.
I let out a small snort at the thought while further embedding my fingers
and hands into the tense muscles of her back.
I wonder how much of that tension and tightness I have been the cause of
and the only answer I can come up with doesn’t set well with me.
She tilts her head at the short strangled laugh.
Another question visible in those deep dark pools and I know I have to
start answering the many questions that her eyes are silently begging me to
answer, for both our sakes and my sanity. I
might as well start somewhere easy, but how?
That has been the problem all along, for the past six years.
I have all these feelings and thoughts I want to share with her, but the
how and where in ‘how and where do
I start?’, has always stumped me, in truth has always frightened me.
I have had so many chances to tell her, and I can’t blame her for her
earlier plea because each and every time I have indeed “shut-down” or
somehow let the moment pass. There
was that day in the Appalachians- as the poachers where chasing us, hearing her
tell me she couldn’t go on, I could have told her then.
I knew I wouldn’t have gone on in anyway without her.
Later standing on the steps promising her to go halves on a kid in five
years. Deep down I knew then any
family I would have of my own would include her and our children or it
wouldn’t happen. There was the day
I left JAG and I held a crying Sarah MacKenzie in my arms.
She wasn’t the only one crying, I cried on the inside all the way to
the Patrick Henry and for a long time after that.
Then there was the day she left JAG, then Australia, our kiss on the
Admiral’s porch- the last one being the closest I have come so far as to
telling her in person how I feel about her.
So many mistakes, lost opportunities and the almost overwhelming hurt we
have piled upon each other. A part
of me doubts there is a way to get past all that, but if I don’t try it will
destroy me, on the other hand, I do know if I fail it will destroy me as
well…. Here goes nothing….
